Author: esundstr

In Jordan, I rotate between going to mass in a small Jesuit Center in the city with a group of Notre Dame kids and an Arabic mass. Today, I walked up the stairs of the Jesuit Center in Amman seeing mostly Qasid students in the room and a few other parishioners. 

The homily started about Jesus’s transfiguration. The priest told a story about a man who spent all of his life praying to change the world, once he got to the middle of his life, he prayed that he could change the lives of those around him, knowing that the task of changing the world was a large one. Finally, when he reached old age, he realized that he only wanted to pray to change himself knowing that the things he prayed for in the past were too big a task. 

When I heard this story, I could only think of it as a parallel to my time in Amman. I went in hoping that I would be able to make an impact on others and those inside of Amman, then similar to the man I got more realistic and wanted to make the most out of the trip with those around me. As my trip comes to a close, I’ve been wondering how I have changed. Is this change good, or is it bad? Have I even changed at all? 

Well, the answer to that question came sooner than I thought, literally as I was walking back into my apartment from Church on the phone with my Aunt. Well more like a second mom, she lived with us while I was growing up and I consider her more of a second mom, and sister figure more than anything else. In the call, she mentioned how crazy it was that her sister, my mom, was raving about her time in the desert in Jordan. My mom was one of the last people I’d expect to have in Jordan with me this summer. And hearing from my Aunt that her experience changed her was something I would have never guessed three months ago. As my aunt put it “Isn’t it crazy how your mom has changed because you were in Amman this summer!” 

I couldn’t help but think about the homily. 

This time in Amman, I didn’t solve the water issues, something that the desert will always be facing, I, unfortunately, couldn’t help my super advanced roommates in their Arabic homework, but somehow I changed, how little or big I have, I don’t know. But what I do know is that because I changed and moved to Amman for the summer, it impacted someone else, and that makes the change worth it. 

Three years ago, I was answering the question that asked how the “mind will not be cultivated at the expense of the heart.” Every hopeful Notre Dame student had to answer it. At seventeen, I tried to piece together in 150 words or less the answer that would get me into my dream school. Tears, time, and turbulence, and somehow that essay got me not only to Notre Dame but to Amman, Jordan. 

And being here, I  think I finally have the answer. I came to Amman to learn and grow my Arabic, but in the process of trying to learn and fit in with Amman culture, I let my heart go. I left out pieces of myself in hopes I would fit in more with the culture. 

My parents came and visited at the halfway point of the trip. The weekend was filled with day trips in Amman and around Jordan while the weekdays were moments of silence as I did homework during breakfast and dinner time. During their time in Amman, I took them to my favorite spots in the city and showed them my apartment in Jordan. Seeing them in my apartment in Jordan was a weird feeling. As my friend put it, it’s like bringing your high school friend to come visit you in college. It was matter out of place. Having them here in Jordan was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’ll cherish it for my entire life, but it made me really truly miss home for the first time. It was weird seeing the people who know me best in a completely different environment. 

When I came to Jordan, I knew coming into it that I would have to dress/look differently than I do in the US. So, I left all my jewelry except for a few items at home, I covered up most of my body, bought new clothes, I dyed my hair, and did my best to prepare for the place I would call home for two months. Having my parents come and not look like myself was weird. My mom brought a few nicer shirts for dinner at the hotel, where I could dress more liberally, putting on an outfit that made me feel like me again felt like the scene in Princess Diaries where Anne Hathaway gets the makeover and straightens her hair, something that seemed impossible after the brush broke in her curls.

My parents coming here brought me my old pair of sneakers I loved, they bought me three bracelets at the Friday market and they brought me some of my favorite clothes from home. Before they came, I was hiding how I dressed how I looked, etc. to fit in, having them come here allowed me to mix in more parts of who I am to Amman. Myself before Amman and in Amman are not mutually exclusive, but before my parents came, I tried to make sure that they were, not knowing the environment in Amman.  But, by infusing myself more into Amman, I was able to truly experience my life here.

So, to my seventeen-year-old self: the process of getting into Notre Dame in 150 words is hard, but oh so worth it. No matter where you go, bring your heart with you because your mind will suffer without it. Oh, and you’re going to travel to Amman, Jordan, so make the most of it.

My time in Amman has been nothing like I have expected. My routine is the same each day, wake up to get to Qasid around 9:30, do work from then to class time from 1-5, and then go home and do homework for the night. On weekends, my friends and I explore Amman and Jordan through new coffee shops to work on homework, travel to the sights, and catch up on sleep.

However, trying to pinpoint a singular moment where I had a critical incident is hard, mostly because each day is something new. I think the largest difference in my time in Amman is what I was expecting vs what I am actually experiencing. My habits of school and studying stay the same as they are at Notre Dame, but the environment in which I do them has completely changed.

There are a multitude of incidents that have challenged what I was expecting to experience in Amman. The roads are more like open highways with no markings and no crosswalks which makes crossing the street a big game of chicken and a large muster of confidence. Water is a scarce item, something to be expected in the Middle East but nothing I had ever worried about before. Fruit is abundant and has become a main component of every meal. Most cafe’s double as art galleries or bookshops. Many people greet you on the street with “Hello” or “Welcome to Amman.” The city itself is extremely hilly, making grocery runs a workout and a question of “do I really need that heavy item?” Cats roam the streets, cafes, and restaurants. My Arabic is improving and each week I feel more confident to try and use it outside the classroom. I attempt to pick up on the more nuanced items such as social etiquette and mannerisms in Amman. Going anywhere by yourself as a woman is something that never happens. Clothing usually is loose and covers most of my body, except for in certain parts of Amman.

Before coming to Amman, I did little research about where I wanted to go, cafes and restaurants, etc. I think it was partly because I had not fully realized that I am going to Jordan. In short moments between studying vocabulary or talking with friends at a cafe I realize, “Wow, I actually made it to Jordan.”

This experience so far has been unlike anything I have ever expected. In writing this blog post, I’ve created multiple different drafts, pushed back my publish date, and looked over and re-written multiple times. These last three weeks in Jordan are hard to put into a singular post. I hope that I did my best in this one.

Until Next Time.

As I draw nearer to my departure to Amman, I keep asking myself what I expect for this summer and what to be prepared for. I narrow in on the changes that I will expect when I land in Amman for nine weeks. The heat for sure, the swap of my jean shorts for linen pants, and the change from home-cooked meals to cooking for myself.

In telling my friends from Notre Dame, friends from home, and family about this experience, the usual response that I receive is “Wow that will be so life-changing.” I look forward to how I will change from this experience. I began this journey when I was learning about the Middle East beginning in Middle School. Making the decision to study Arabic in college has opened me to this SLA opportunity and going to Amman feels like the highlight of this journey. I think about the changes I have gone through to get to this point in my life and wonder what will happen after. I have set goals for my intercultural competency but I do not know what will happen to me on a more personal level. This journey is the culmination of the passion that I have had for almost a decade. So why am I nervous?

First, I’ll be outside the country for longer than I ever have, second I won’t be with any person in my family and third, I will not be a native speaker of the language. However, writing that I have a smile on my face. I accept the nerves and allow them to propel me to feel excitement for what will happen. See you in two months!