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Critical Incidents

One critical incident I have had during my time here in Italy occurred the first day I arrived. A friend and I went out for dinner to a nice restaurant near our dorms. We had a great time, as it was difficult not to enjoy the great food, environment, and service. However; as we finished our meal, we noticed a key cultural difference that took us both by surprise. Instead of bringing us the check at the end of the meal, the waiter that had taken care of us for the last two hours was nowhere to be seen. We asked someone else if they could bring us the check, and they did so instead of getting the other waiter. We paid the check, and there was some final confusion about how much to tip, or if we should even tip at all.

At the time, we felt a little awkward about the situation, but it ended up being something we got used to at different restaurants around town. From our point of view, part of the hospitality culture assumes that the check will be brought out automatically, and that a tip should be expected. From the other perspective, tips are not necessary or sometimes not even wanted. For checks, part of the reason they are not brought out automatically is that the expectation for meals in Italy is that they form a stronger and longer community-involved experience.

The river metaphor I wrote about earlier still applies here. The aspects of Italian culture that we needed to comprehend in order to feel comfortable were hidden under the surface or left upstream. Since we found out about them later, it seems the river of Italian culture moves relatively quickly and allowed us to feel more comfortable as we spent more time in the country. Above all, we learned that patience and an open mind are the key to overcoming critical incidents and learning more about culture.

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Post #2: Critical Incidents So Far

One of the first critical incidents that I encountered in Costa Rica was with my host mom. We were sitting down at dinner, and I was a bit quiet—I had been in Costa Rica for a few days by that point and was starting to feel a bit fatigued by speaking in Spanish all the time and meeting a ton of new people. I had eaten a few meals with my host family & their extended family, and tended to be somewhat quiet just because I was trying to listen and absorb and because I felt a bit self-conscious about my Spanish speaking skills as well. At this meal and the few before, she kept repeatedly asking me if the food was okay and I always responded that it was great—I genuinely liked all of the food, and always made sure to finish my plate both because it was delicious and as a signal of respect/gratitude for the meal. However, after the dinner with just the two of us, before I went to bed she came up and asked me if I was really happy there and if everything was okay. I felt a bit confused and somewhat taken aback at that moment, because I hadn’t thought I’d behaved rudely or in any way to signal that I wasn’t enjoying my time with them. I animatedly reassured her that they were wonderful hosts and that I was very happy, but that strange feeling followed me back to my room. Upon a bit of reflecting, I realized I probably had not been actively voicing my thanks and appreciation for the meals of the house as much as she was used to hearing; I felt guilty and ashamed about it, and from that point on I’ve tried to voice multiple times during a meal how delicious it is and to thank her often for all of the other things around the house she does. 

In my life both at school and at home, I tend to spend a good amount of time alone and do many activities independently, so my tendency to be quieter at meals and interact in smaller spans of time did not seem out of the ordinary to me. I also tend to show my appreciation for my own parents’ caring for me with equal parts verbal expression and doing tasks around the house (like doing dishes) that don’t involve direct conversation. However, after a couple of weeks here I get the sense that spending the majority of one’s day with family (even seeing extended family on a daily basis) and in active conversation is common—and occurs significantly more than what I am used to in my daily life in the US. I think my host mom felt that I was disappointed because she didn’t see me talking as much or spending as much time with the family, when in reality I was simply not used to spending that much time around other people and was feeling some of the fatiguing effects of navigating a new environment and language. I think the metaphor that describes this critical incident (and a majority of similar ones I’ve encountered) would be the “fish in a bowl” cultural metaphor. Just like a fish swimming in the same tank with the same plants, obstacles, and water for its whole life, someone may not be consciously aware of the specifics of their home cultural environment—the boundaries (both physical and personal) we maintain with other people, the ways we comport ourselves in interactions, and the expectations we have for other people’s behavior towards ourselves. However, when placed in a new environment, we suddenly become aware that our “bowl” has bred habits of thought and behavior that are indeed not universal, and to which we must adapt. 

From these first few weeks I’ve learned that it’s important to not only try to observe my new cultural landscape but to really try and actively engage in it. The visits to historical sites, museums, and churches, eating local food, and learning about history is an important part of understanding Costa Rica, and one I quite enjoy. But, I think it is equally important to simply talk and engage with everyone around me that I can. It is through this active engagement—especially conversations with people in a variety of social relationships to me, such as my host parents, other kids my age, uber drivers, grandkids, etc.—that I have become familiar with what daily life in Costa Rica is actually like, and how concepts like respect, friendship, and responsibility are manifested. And that familiarity with behavioral customs which will help me understand the underlying layers (or fabric, or fish bowl composition) of Costa Rican culture.

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Blog Post #3: Lying to my Uber drivers about where I’m from

Much to my surprise, I struggled with my self-perception as an American through my host brother’s heterostereotypes. As he told me Americans are big consumers, nationalistic, and less healthy than Ticos, I agreed, thinking Wow. Americans really match these stereotypes. However, I can’t just view Americans as a separate entity as I had done throughout my conversation with him. This is my culture, and I even participate in some of the behaviors that contribute to these heterostereotypes. For example, it’s difficult to think of myself as a consumer, but I have noticed that I do fit into this perception that Costa Ricans hold. I have become almost self-conscious of my possessions, hiding my iPhone when I walk on the streets because hardly anyone owns one, let alone one of the newest models. 

I think these more negative perceptions of Americans push me away from my cultural identity. I often justify the fact that I’m “different” than most Americans because my family is multicultural (a little pretentious upon self-reflection…), but that doesn’t change the cultural elements embedded into my life and my identity. I guess because these images of Americans that exist in foreign perspectives—Americans who eat a lot of fast food or wear a lot of designer clothes or are pro-American in everything they do—are caricatures to me. I don’t reconcile these images with my own upbringing, even though my actions sometimes reflect the basis of these heterostereotypes. Even though I don’t consider myself to be a crazy nationalist, I still grew up chanting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning in school and I still sing the national anthem at sports matches—behaviors that are foreign to Ticos and thus contribute to their heterostereotypes. 

The most difficult of my host brother’s heterostereotypes for me to face was his perception of Americans as seeing the United States as “America.” This is a common issue of contempt in Costa Rica, and I am fully guilty of acting in this manner. While Spanish has a convenient word for a person from the United States (estadounidense), in English we call ourselves American, a behavior I perpetuate throughout this blog post. The truth is that the United States of America is not just America, because there are two whole continents that are America. When we call ourselves American we erase Costa Ricans and everyone else from this identity. No wonder they hold this heterostereotype. I am trying to hold myself accountable for this behavior, to show that I know my country is not more important than others, by calling myself a US American instead. 

I don’t want to come across as anti-(US) American in this post. I love my country, and I am grateful for my life and upbringing, but I am in the process of reconciling my culture with my identity. I should not be ashamed of being from the States (as if hiding my phone will make me less US American. Yeah right), but I can be conscious of my behavior and how it contributes to the way that foreigners see me and my country. 

I have learned that addressing heterostereotypes is more than just a way to see how Ticos see me and other US Americans. It’s a way for me to look in the mirror and see my own behavior. A way for me to hopefully demonstrate that there’s more to being from the United States than their stereotypes by proudly being US American rather than simply American.

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Critical Incident

Quite frankly, I am not sure if any notable critical incidents have occurred since landing in Costa Rica. Other than some differences, like how my host family spends a lot of time with each other and with their extended family versus my family culture of independence and cherishing downtime, nothing has really stuck out to me. 

Perhaps what has been more notable are the critical incidents that have occurred with the other people from the United States I have met here, than the Costa Ricans. It is actually quite funny to me that it is often when people are placed outside of their cultural norms that then makes aspects of their culture salient. While I’m in the United States, “American” culture isn’t as noticeable to me, but when you take those Estadounidenses into another culture, wow can I see it more. 

Initially at my home stay, there were two other girls staying here (who had been in Costa Rica for a week already) that were leaving the following week. Both were from the United States.

And it was the way they acted around our host family that frustrated and bothered me—the negative emotions that can sometimes rise from critical incidents. Granted they are simply two people and cannot single handedly represent whole cultures. However, their actions are still informed culturally in their upbringing. 

Respect culture was huge in my cultural background with my parents and Japan. Both hosting and being a guest requires high amounts of social protocol and consideration as not to further inconvenience or stress the host or the guest.

And so, the lack of effort these girls made to speak Spanish to our host family left me incredulous. Even a simple “gracias” or “buenos días” were all instead said in English. The girls snickered when trying new foods; did rock, paper, scissors to see who should finish the food; chiefly talked to each other when eating; and made comments about how they probably lost weight on the trip.

At one point my host mom had asked me if I thought that the other girls were enjoying the food because she couldn’t tell due to their lack of an effort to communicate with her (especially in Spanish) and that she wanted to make sure because this was something that mattered to her. That broke my heart. 

Trying to understand where the girls are coming from, perhaps they grew up in cultures where their actions wouldn’t be taken offensively or valued sharing opinions and thoughts candidly (maybe it qualifies as honesty?). Whereas for me, my familial and national culture always have heavily emphasised accommodating both as a host and as a guest. My mother always said, “this is not your house” (when a guest somewhere) “you cannot act as if it is your house.” 

Although I can see the merits and demerits to both sides (like that my cultural expectations can be more emotionally taxing and distancing in some ways), I also wonder if it can be helpful to have some judgements on these differences to determine what I prefer.

I’m not claiming that one culture is superior than the other, I think that different approaches suits different people better. But is there no value in recognising what people prefer? Or is this still my subtle way of having labels of “better” or “worse”? 

I’m uncertain.